


wtfbrocedes (#windbagsunited spin-off)

by loadsoffandoms



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loadsoffandoms/pseuds/loadsoffandoms
Summary: toto is tired of brocedes being nice after nearly killing him and valtteri just wants some company, leading to the #windbagsunited gang somehow uniting and gifting toto with more brocedes





	1. the beginning of the beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [#windbagsunited](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649589) by [fernando](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fernando/pseuds/fernando). 



_toto added niki and valtteri to the group chat_

  
valtteri: wtf toto, do you have nothing better to do?  

toto: I JUST WANT TO RANT TO SOMEONE WHO ISN’T SUSIE  
toto: SHE SHOPS THEMS OR WHATEVER  
toto: THEY KILLED ME WHEN THEY WERE HERE  
toto: AND NOW THEY’RE SUDDENLY BEST FRIENDS?

valtteri: do you think i care? 

toto: your contract still isn’t renewed 

valtteri: I CARE VERY MUCH, I KNOW RIGHT, YOU’RE SO RIGHT 

toto: THANK YOU, EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT!  
toto: don’t you also agree, niki?  
toto: NIki?  
toto: NIKIIIII 

niki: fine, fine, i’m here  
niki: no need to scream in my ear  
niki: who the fuck gave him the idea to make this group?

valtteri: i told lewis not to teach toto about social media  
valtteri: it’s all his fault

toto: what is that i hear valtteri?  
toto: OH NIKI THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE  
toto: THEY’RE NOW KILLING ME AFTER THEY’RE GONE   


_valtteri added sebastian, fernando, max, daniel, and kimi to the group chat_  
   
toto: why did you add them? 

fernando: what the fuck am i doing here?  
fernando: what the fuck is brocedes? 

daniel: OH MY GOODNESS, I LOVE BROCEDES, I’M SO GLAD I GET TO FANGIRL WITH ALL OF YOU 

max: um what 

sebastian: …

valtteri: i just didn’t want to suffer alone  
valtteri: so welcome to the brocedes chat, i guess?


	2. a montage kills everyone differently

toto: DID YOU SEE THE THINGS NICO SAID  
toto: CAN’T HE HAVE PRAISED HIM WHILE HE WAS HERE?  
toto: I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD SO MANY PROBLEMS

valtteri: you’re so right, toto  
valtteri: how can you ever be wrong?

daniel: THE LOVE, IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL  
daniel: SO PRECIOUS  
daniel: THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER

fernando: again, why the fuck am i here

valtteri: you’re here to provide us with sanity  
valtteri: you’ve known them longest  
valtteri: you get to tell toto to chill the fuck out

toto: i can still read everything

fernando: since you’ve already rejected me  
fernando: TOTO THEY WERE ALWAYS BEST FRIENDS  
fernando: IT’S NOT FUCKING NEW  
fernando: GET OVER IT

max: i mean, i agree with toto completely too  
max: i feel so bad for him  
max: i would be so much calmer as lewis’ teammate

sebastian: i don’t like this

kimi: bwoah  
kimi: isn’t it obvious they like each other?  
kimi: and why don’t you like it sebastian?

daniel: ooooh lovers’ tiff

sebastian: KIMI WHAT A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU HERE  
sebastian: I’M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU

max: once again, i 100% agree with toto about everything

valtteri: i, also, agree with toto that brocedes is killing everyone

daniel: YOU GUYS DID YOU SEE THE MONTAGE WHERE THEY SHOWED THAT ICONIC BROCEDES HUG?  
daniel: IT WAS SO PERFECT OMG  
daniel: WE NEED MORE OF THAT  
daniel: TOTO YOU TOTO-LLY NEED TO BRING THEM TOGETHER FOR SOME EVENT

toto: SHUT UP, DANIEL

valtteri: i agree, SHUT UP, DANIEL

max: i agree too, SHUT UP, DANIEL

fernando: GO ON, DANIEL

sebastian: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DANIEL

kimi: what sebastian?

niki: ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> f1 live left me with so many feels. i'm not sorry for the pun.


	3. how to dig your own grave

_daniel added pascal, esteban, carlos, daniil, stoffel, and jenson to the group chat_

daniel: I’VE FOUND MORE BROCEDES SHIPPERS, YOU GUYS

jenson: for the last time, daniel, i said i like that they’re friends again after so long  
jenson: i do not ship them

pascal: i mean, i look at both of them as inspiration  
pascal: does it mean i ship them?

daniel: jenson, don’t lie to yourself, you ship them   
daniel: pascal, of course you do!!!!

pascal: okay, i guess i ship them

toto: what is this ship thing? susie keeps saying it all the time too

daniel: IT MEANS YOU WOULD LOVE THEM AS A ROMANTIC COUPLE

toto: wtf   
toto: why   
toto: they both nearly killed me

fernando: if they both nearly killed you…   
fernando: …then i ship them too

carlos: what is going on?

daniil: is this for the new mercedes seat?

stoffel: there’s a new mercedes seat??? do we all have a chance????

valtteri: THERE IS NO NEW MERCEDES SEAT   
valtteri: I’M STILL HERE WITH TWO WINS AND TWO POLES

toto: shut up, valtteri   
toto: this group is supposed to be about me

fernando: …and brocedes

toto: get out, fernando   
toto: and valtteri, if you think you’re getting out of this chaos unscathed   
toto: you have something coming for you

max: YOU GO, TOTO   
max: SHOW HIM WHO’S BOSS

valtteri: maybe in a few more years, max   
valtteri: you’re too young for mercedes   
valtteri: and i don’t think lewis wants to babysit

max: wtf valtteri   
max: do you need me to take you out in the next race?   
max: it’s only a bonus for me since i’ll go to toro rosso and finish races   
max: then what will you do?

esteban: what’s happening?   
esteban: i have first dibs on the seat, i’m a mercedes junior driver

toto: ENOUGH, THIS CHAT IS ABOUT NICO AND LEWIS, NOT ABOUT A POSSIBLE NEW MERCEDES SEAT

daniel: TOTO’S RIGHT. LET’S TALK ABOUT BROCEDES, GUYS!   
daniel: HAVE YOU SEEN HOW LEWIS LOOKS AT NICO IN THOSE CANNES PICTURES?   
daniel: HE’S THE HUMAN FORM OF THE HEART EYES EMOJI   
daniel: AND EVEN NICO   
daniel: IT’S LIKE VIVIAN’S NOT EVEN THERE

sebastian: get your eyes checked, daniel   
sebastian: they’re just friends   
sebastian: NOTHING MORE

kimi: bwoah 

daniel: KIMI AGREES WITH ME   
daniel: WHAT ABOUT THE TOHERS?

carlos: i guess we could say i ship them?   
carlos: they’re very nice together?

daniil: do i have to choose?

esteban: i mean, if i HAD to ship someone, then sure

jenson: daniel, mate

fernando: you’ve convinced me

jenson: i guess i’ll ship them

toto: ALL OF YOU ARE USELESS   
toto: WHERE IS YOUR SANITY

max: they’ve completely lost it, toto, you’re right

valtteri: i agree with everyone but toto   
valtteri: i’ve got two wins and two poles already, what can you do to me?

niki: if it’ll annoy toto, then sure   
niki: he’s annoyed us enough by making this chat   
niki: we might as well ship it   
niki: anyway, i do think we might have a lot to discuss about them in the future   
niki: they’re disgustingly sweet sometimes

_niki added susie_

susie: OH MY GOODNESS   
susie: OH MY GOODNESS   
susie: OH MY GOODNESS   
susie: THERE’S AN OFFICIAL BROCEDES CHAT?

daniel: WELCOME TO THE FAN CLUB, SUSIE

toto: i hate you, niki   
toto: i hate all of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i mention how much i love fernando? and max? and niki? and everyone?


	4. the book of stories (and other reasons to love them)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by this post: https://fortyfourtonumberone.tumblr.com/post/162948509965/theglimmmertwins-hes-in-his-book

daniel: GUYS, HAVE YOU SEEN NICO’S INSTAGRAM STORY  
daniel: BROCEDES LIVES

toto: was he always like this?  
toto: or is this is a special brand of madness to torture me?

daniel: YOU’VE GIVEN ME AN OUTLET FOR MY THOUGHTS, TOTO  
daniel: I’LL FOREVER BE THANKFUL FOR THAT

toto: oh don’t thank me  
toto: thank valtteri  
toto: i’m sure he’d love to drink out of your shoe as a gift  
toto: he was telling me how much he regretted not drinking it in austria

daniel: ah, he could’ve just told me!!!

esteban: so does anyone want to explain why valtteri’s screaming “toto wants it, toto needs it” at dan

fernando: it’s exactly as it sounds esteban  
fernando: toto needs it

toto: fuck you

fernando: see, he’s not able to stop himself

max: did someone say toto needs something?   
max: what does he need?

fernando: he needs a shoey and a hug

pascal: so… more brocedes?

jenson: i think daniel’s onto something here  
jenson: it does look very much like a relationship

sebastian: no, it doesn’t  
sebastian: it’s just a compilation of championship year pictures  
sebastian: it’s a coincidence that lewis is there

daniel: GET ON BOARD, SEBASTIAN  
daniel: SHIP IT

susie: I HEARD SHIP  
susie: WHO DO I NEED TO CONVINCE  
susie: BROCEDES IS REAL  
susie: GET ON BOARD THE SHIP

sebastian: it’s not real  
sebastian: of course it’s not real  
sebastian: lewis is like that with everyone

daniel: LEWIS IS NOT LIKE THAT WITH EVERYONE  
daniel: I’VE WATCHED HIM WITH EVERYONE  
daniel: THERE IS A SPECIAL CHEMISTRY WITH NICO  
daniel: IT IS NO COINCIDENCE THAT LEWIS AND NICO HAVE SUCH A HISTORY, IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE MADE FOR EACH OTHER

susie: I AGREE WITH DANIEL  
susie: I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM, SEBASTIAN, BUT ONLY KNOW YOU LOVE HIM WHEN YOU LET HIM GO

kimi: …

sebastian: THANKS susie

stoffel: looks like someone’s going to spend money on ice cream

daniil: i’m seeing the fernando influence

max: toto? you here?

toto: yes max? 

max: i just wanted to say… i agree

fernando: i’m dead

valtteri: thank goodness

fernando: don’t worry, valtteri, my ghost will forever haunt you :)

daniel: BROCEDES

pascal: so, are we excited for the race, guys? :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just... daniel is the fiction embodiment of me


	5. from quotes to cults

susie: DANIEL  
susie: DID YOU SEE NICO CALL LEWIS ONE OF THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME  
susie: CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM

daniel: WHAT  
daniel: WHERE  
daniel: I NEED TO CHECK

jenson: wow, i’m offended  
jenson: nico’s never called me that

daniel: FEEL THE LOVE, UNDERSTAND THE LOVE

jenson: he also didn’t include you

daniel: I DON’T CARE, IT’S BEAUTIFUL

toto: do they realise they could’ve done this when they were teammates  
toto: and saved me the headache

fernando: let me spell it out for you toto  
fernando: they don’t care  
fernando: they apparently only care for each other

sebastian: HE DIDN’T MENTION ANYONE ELSE  
sebastian: WHY ARE YOU ALL OKAY WITH THIS  
sebastian: THIS ISN’T ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP  
sebastian: NICO’S ONLY TRYING TO INSULT YOU

toto: i can’t believe this   
toto: but i agree with sebastian

fernando: i 100% disagree  
fernando: sebastian’s jealous of brocedes  
fernando: right, daniel? susie?

carlos: um guys  
carlos: why is kimi glaring at the screen?

susie: WHY IS FERNANDO THE ONLY SANE ONE  
susie: OF COURSE THIS IS BECAUSE NICO LOVES LEWIS  
susie: IT WASN’T EVEN A PROMPT  
susie: THEY ONLY HAD TO MENTION LEWIS AND HE SAID HE THINKS HE’S ONE OF THE GREATS  
susie: TRUE LOVE

toto: get me out of this hellhole

valtteri: no  
valtteri: you suffer with us

max: seriously who the fuck thought this was a good idea

valtteri: toto did

max: …  
max: i can’t do it anymore  
max: how fucking stupid man  
max: we’ve all got to suffer because of him

fernando: MAX HAS RETURNED  
fernando: JOIN THE BROCEDES SIDE, MAX  
fernando: IT’S THE FUN ONE  
fernando: IT’S THE ONE WITHOUT TOTO

daniel: YES FERNANDO IS RIGHT  
daniel: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET YOU TO SHIP THEM FOR YEARS NOW  
daniel: SUCCUMB TO THE LOVE, MAX

fernando: DO IT, MAX

valtteri: just come over to the dark side  
valtteri: we have sass here

niki: it would be nice to leave toto all alone, wouldn’t it, max?

max: this is starting to sound like a cult recruitment  
max: and i’m going to regret this  
max: but the number of people is overpowering  
max: so i’ll join the gang

daniel: SO MAX HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NICO QUOTE

max: IT WAS GREAT  
max: i think

stoffel: do you all have nothing better to do

toto: exactly!

stoffel: YOU made the group  
stoffel: YOU’RE the worst of them all

fernando: go have a social life before it’s too late, stoffel  
fernando: there may be hope left for you after all

susie: WELL DONE ON CONVERTING MAX, DANIEL  
susie: THIS IS GREAT

jenson: SAVE YOURSELVES EVERYONE

susie: oh don’t worry jenson, you’re all in too deep

carlos: uhhh guys, anyone want to explain why kimi was and is still glaring?

valtteri: no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know what i'm writing anymore tbh


	6. the kind of revival (but not really)

daniel: GUYS WHY IS THIS GROUP SO DEAD? 

susie: YES WHY?  
susie: WHY IS EVERYONE SUCCUMBING TO THE DARK LORD?  
susie: the dark lord being toto obviously 

toto: thank you for the wonderful introduction, honey

valtteri: but i thought ours was the dark side?  
valtteri: and toto also has a sharp nose  
valtteri: he’s more like pinocchio if anything  
valtteri: also toto  
valtteri: my contract’s been renewed :) 

toto: fuck off

fernando: HA HA HA HA  
fernando: LOOK AT TOTO SPEECHLESS 

toto: fernando, let’s talk when you finish another race :)))) 

carlos: ouch, harsh  
carlos: was the really necessary?  
carlos: fernando doesn’t deserve it 

max: AND NEITHER DO I  
max: SO WHAT CARLOS?  
max: SO WHAT? 

fernando: okay max  
fernando: chill  
fernando: have a red bull  
fernando: haha i’m funny  
fernando: can i have a nice engine please?  
fernando: also toto  
fernando: i will have my revenge :)

max: …  
max: don’t say the name

daniel: okay guys  
daniel: YOU NEED SOME BROCEDES IN YOUR LIFE  
daniel: LIKE REMEMBER THE HAMILTON HAT NICO LOVED SO MUCH THAT HE MADE IT THE TITLE FOR HIS VLOG AND HIS THUMBNAIL?  
daniel: AND HIM CONGRATULATING LEWIS FOR THE POLE RECORD?  
daniel: AND AND AND  
daniel: THE THROWBACK PICTURE WITH ROBERT AND LEWIS EVEN THOUGH HE WAS WORKING ONLY WITH ROBERT BUT HE HAD TO INVOLVE LEWIS SOMEHOW  
daniel: AND PUT IN A LITTLE BIT OF PRAISE FOR LEWIS AS WELL  
daniel: AND HUNT FOR A PICTURE WITH LEWIS IN HIS ARCHIVES??  
daniel: AND HOW BROCEDES LITERALLY IS A REAL THING NOW??  
daniel: GUYS  
daniel: GUYSSSSS  
daniel: HAVE YOU ALL FAINTED IN THE FACE OF BROCEDES

susie: I’M DEAD BUT ALIVE  
susie: IT’S BEEN A WILD RIDE  
susie: IT’S BEEN GREAT KNOWING YOU ALL

niki: can you kill toto before you die?  
niki: that would be great, thanks

pascal: hey guys  
pascal: what’s up? 

jenson: oh no  
jenson: run pascal run

daniel: NO PASCAL  
daniel: I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S UP  
daniel: BROCEDES 

pascal: oh, that’s nice :)

stoffel: i thought this group died  
stoffel: why is this happening

max: the world is full of despair

fernando: and devoid of hope  
fernando: and still contains toto  
fernando: (which is basically the same thing anyway) 

esteban: do you guys want to get ice creams?

kimi: who’s buying?

fernando: each one buys one for themselves kimi  
fernando: you want to join us?  
fernando: you’re part of the angst express anyway 

sebastian: i’ll buy kimi’s  
  
fernando: oh what a kind offer, sebastian  
fernando: thank you for buying ice creams for ALL of us  
fernando: immensely nice of you to do so 

toto: well, something good had to come out of this revival  
toto: post-birthday treat from sebastian 

daniel: YES HE DIDN’T INVITE US FOR DRINKS  
daniel: BUT ICE CREAM’S BETTER THAN NOTHING

daniil: um why is sebastian running? 

valtteri: no

daniil: that doesn’t make sense 

valtteri: no

daniil: o-kay 

valtteri: no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just... had to get it out somehow, however shitty and nonsensical it might be tbh  
> but i enjoyed writing it because i love being myself in my writing :')


	7. Chapter 7

susie: DAMN IT, LEWIS  
susie: WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO US???

daniel: I AGREE  
daniel: HE’S BREAKING US  
daniel: IS THIS HIS TACTIC TO BEAT ME  
daniel: IT’S WORKING

susie: TOTO  
susie: DO SOMETHING 

toto: what 

susie: BRING NICO TO A RACE  
susie: LOCK THEM TOGETHER IN A ROOM 

toto: why 

susie: FOR ME  
susie: FOR LOVE

daniel: ALSO FOR ME 

toto: why would i do anything for you  
toto: and i don’t fancy more grey hairs 

susie: i would still love you  
susie: COME ON TOTO 

valtteri: do it, toto  
valtteri: DO IT

fernando: PLEASE INVITE ME WHEN IT HAPPENS  
fernando: I WANT TO SEE IT GO DOWN  
fernando: I AM STARVED FOR DRAMA

toto: IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

daniel: PLEASE TOTO

susie: it’s going to happen  
susie: we know nico loves him  
susie: and that lewis is holding a grudge  
susie: they only need to talk it out  
susie: or hug it out  
susie: or kiss it out  
susie: or whatever it out  
susie: so they will be locked in a room  
susie: by hook or by crook  
susie: toto’s going to invite nico  
susie: we can take care of the rest

daniel: oh my god  
daniel: are we going to have a masterplan  
daniel: this is so cool  
daniel: what are the job roles

_ daniel added brendon and pierre to the group chat _

susie: oooooh  
susie: fresh meat

brendon: what’s this?

daniel: we’re planning on bringing brocedes back together  
daniel: brocedes is nico and lewis  
daniel: and everyone is helping

brendon: cool

pierre: is it compulsory?

susie: consider it your initiation

max: do we have to?  
max: it’s too much work

daniel: yes maxy boy  
daniel: you’re not getting out of this  
daniel: so everyone’s in?

fernando: aye

carlos: aye

pascal: aye

jenson: ehh

sebastian: why

kimi: bwoah

valtteri: i mean, sure  
valtteri: why not 

pascal: but what is the plan 

daniel: i’ll let you know when we know 

jenson: what have we gotten ourselves into

susie: well, you already know it’s a cult, jenson  
susie: it’s not going to be simply

stoffel: aye

jenson: STOFF RUN  
jenson: SAVE YOURSELF

pierre: wow stoffel’s a fast runner  
pierre: i should take tips from him

brendon: um  
brendon: hi everyone?  
brendon: i guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this makes zero sense

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @alosainz for letting me write the spin-off, she's the greatest and the original is far funnier than mine is, but I try!


End file.
